GET YA MIND RIGHT!

Is there really such thing as a Painless break up? Possibly. But I would say it is very rare and the re-adjusting for the parents as well as the kids can be monumental. This is true of married couples and even couples who just co-habit. It can be all the more painful and distressing where children are involved. A very helpful and insightful book written by William Klatte called LIVE-AWAY DADS suggests a number of beneficial actions you can take so with the aid of this book we have outlined a number of suggestions which may help.

Always keep your promises

You often hear tales of fathers who promise to buy their children expensive presents, promise to take their children out and in many cases, promise to come and visit them on particular days. These promises turn into a vacuum and never materialise leaving the children hurt, distrusting and frustrated.
Kept promises are an important way to create stability during times of uncertainty and help the child to trust and bond. Every time you break a promise, no matter how small, it reduces their trust in you a fraction and this can eventually lead to a total lack of trust overtime.
Before you promise anything, think carefully before you speak and do everything you can to keep your word.

Show support to their mother

I know some of you fathers are reading this and thinking...."Hell no!" or "Impossible" but this is absolutely vital. I'm not saying act like a 'doormat' or ' lick arse’ but it is important to realise that in helping her to help your kids the whole unit benefits as a whole. This does not mean splash out on expensive items, shower her with money in front of the children but can mean in many cases, be sympathetic and lend a listening ear. Although you may have broken up on unsavoury terms, your children did not ask to be born so they need the full support even if it does mean biting your tongue when she lashes out!

Work out your disagreements in private

Children are not as stupid as adults sometimes think and they often are well aware of situations as they unfold. You may think that children are not affected by overhearing and witnessing heated arguments but these visions often stay in their mind long after the actual incident has been resolved. It often helps shape the opinions they may form of you and this aided by the odd dig or bad word the mother may put in will not earn you any brownie points.
If you do have a problem or something to resolve it is much better to take her to the side and discuss it well away from prying eyes and bionic ears!

Show your kids that your fine

In order for your children to feel at ease and to feel confident they have to see that you also are. If they feel or see that you are devastated, they’ll feel insecure and worried for you. It is important that they are not made to feel as if they must choose or side a particular parent as they are not meant to be played like a pawn in your chess game, so by showing them that you are ok this will help eradicate the 'feeling sorry for you' attitude. This does not however, mean that you are to lie or never show any signs of weakness but show them through encouraging words and actions that you will be fine and can make it through the tough times ahead.

Be the best father you can be

This sounds like a crazy statement but it’s actually all you can do.
Children need patience, understanding and guidance. They need balance and consistency from you, so whatever you do, do not try to counteract their mum’s parenting style. Concentrate on what you feel you can bring to enhance your children's life whether it be something simple like encouraging them to read more or something more hands on like teaching them to swim or a sport.

Shhh! Keep your negative thoughts to yourself!

You may be tempted at times to bad talk the mother of your children to or in front of them. This is a certain no no for it will only make things worse. If you haven't learnt by now, children have this invisible loyalty to their mothers where they tell them everything. Even when you do little finger linked promises or offer them candy to keep quiet, they will still tell them adding fuel to the fire. Not only will it cause more problems and make the situation more uncomfortable, the child may grow up resenting you. After all, she is still their mother. You had a choice they never!!

Be involved for the long haul

This may sound obvious, but it’s amazing how many fathers get sidetracked by a new job or a new relationship. In some cases, maybe with a new family and in doing so lose track of the sincere commitments they made to their own children. Your children are yours forever and unlike a puppy or a kitten you cant just give them up when you get bored or another child comes along......although some fathers do! If you decide you are going to be in your children's lives then do so knowing that you are going to stick it out through thick and thin.

Be a positive influence in your children's lives

Being a positive influence in your child's life means being there when they need you whether it be big or small things. They should be able to look at you and aspire to be like you and more. They should feel proud of you. This does not mean that you have to be a millionaire or a Man United leading striker but just someone whose actions make them feel proud to be their child. Perhaps coz its you always listen when they have a problem or they can talk to you. It may be that they can see you are a hard and dedicated worker. Or perhaps you are a honest and upholding citizen. All these things influence your children so it is important to keep them positive.

Spend quality time with your children

You may ask yourself, how do you define quality time. What is quality to you may mean something completely different to someone else. When you pick your children up no point in just dropping them to their grans and then getting dressed and hitting the town. What is the point of having them for the weekend and all you do is dump them in front of the playstation 3 while your next door watching footie or outside gardening. This is not to say that you must not continue with pre-arranged commitments but spend quality time with them. Involve yourself in the things they enjoy doing and if it is that want to play PlayStation then learn to play with them, even if you do get beat eveytime. Be active in your involvement and do things such as go to the park, museums, library etc. Lets not take this wrong, it is equally important for your children to become involved in the things you like doing.This does not mean taking them on a 30 mile run in the country but just pass on to them the things you may enjoy doing such as fishing, crafts, sports etc.
You can do whatever you want as long as you give them your full attention for the time your with them and keep it consistent. You may feel you've let them down in the past. This happens to nearly every dad, and it's natural to want to make it up to them somehow. Taking them out to a football game or Chessington World of adventures and weighing them down with stuffed animals, teddy bears and junk food seems like a great idea especially as children love these activities, but then a month or two of no contact or not hearing from their father can really have a devastating effect.
Children need regular and consistent contact with their father and even an encouraging telephone call once a week is highly beneficial. In fact, this is much more beneficial to them than a few trips to Alton Towers throughout the year.

Memories

As your children grow older what do you want them to remember about your relationship during these years? A day at Margate? A rainy day at Thorpe park?
Wouldn't you prefer them to remember many times with you, and none of which really stick out because the events themselves weren't important. What was important was that they just loved being in your company and cherished every moment spent with you. More then often its just the cuddle or the picking them up from school which means the world to them and not the big days out or expensive presents.

Remember, your children need you

As the years pass by and your children get older don’t let your motivation as a father slip because of frustration or the tedium of routine. You are important to your kids even if they don’t always show it. Its your duty as a father to be there for them and any rewards you reap as a result of this should be seen as nice but not essential to fulfil your part.

Don't forget you

As much as it is important to be there for your children you must always keep your own well being at the forefront of your mind. Being the best father you can does not mean doing so if it may be at your own demise. Taking out loans that you may find hard to pay back to buy gifts for your children or perhaps missing days at work which may result in your job being terminated are not advisable. Taking untold stress from your children's mother can all lead to long term problems. Always maintain your own self esteem and self confidence. After all.....you too are someones child.

Step Dads

So far we have taken out time to look at situations where you may be trying be a father to your own children but the same applies where step children are involved or where you may be with a partner who has children of her own. It is important to realise that no matter what you do you are involuntarily set up to be in competition with the child's father. It could be that the child behaves better for their father because he has fewer rules and lets the child get away with whatever he/she wants.It could also be that the father lavishes them with expensive gifts or that they have a healthy father-child relationship and they both see you as a threat.

No matter what the case is do not get drawn into that competition as its one you cannot win. The child more then likely will see the need to defend his father and that's normal. What is important is that is that you try not to give him a reason to think of you as the enemy. This could involve saying good things about his father from time to time. Doing this will only help you in your role as a stepfather. Although in many cases this is impossible, try and work at open communication with the father. You may not see eye-to-eye on discipline issues, but you can be advocates for each other and send the message to the child that you're cooperating in raising him.

Most important of all is to build and nurture your own relationship with the child. Treat him like he is your own, within reason but without overstepping the boundaries. Remember......you are not his father. This is more important where the father also plays an active role in the child's life but where the father is not and has not been present, the doors are open wide to assume the role if welcomed by both the mother and child.
Work together with your wife/partner in your approach and always work as a team, but make sure it's clear that the child is loved through it all.

Time waits for no one

Once time has passed you cannot get it back. Invest time into your children now instead of letting it pass.